New year resolutions are such a waste of time. But I have been thinking for quite some time that perhaps my life would be better if I stopped drinking. I thought I’d get Christmas and New Year out the way, then concentrate on how I want to live my life.
I noticed that my husband has stopped giving me a hard time about my drinking and just lets me get on with it. He knows what my mood will do if he says anything.
I wanted to write a blog for me, not anyone else. Just to have somewhere I can set down my thoughts and hope that as I have such a terrible memory, I can record my thinking and reasons for wanting to stop. I can then refer to this every time I want to pick up a drink again. Hopefully.
I’m not sure that concentrating on drinking alone is a smart thing to do, even though I know that right now it occupies way too much of my thinking time.
So my thoughts for the new year are not just around stopping drinking, for all the obvious reasons – but lets spell them out anyway
- I am not sleeping well, I am tired all the time and have absolutely no energy. I need a nap most afternoons.
- I look terrible – my eyes are bloodshot and dull. My skin is dry and makeup just slides around on it making me look even worse. And I’m overweight.
- I think about drinking ALL the time. There needs to be greater balance in my life – with more time to do other things.
- I can not get through the day without drinking and hide what I drink, even if it is in a small way: pouring a glass of wine, then swigging it down quickly then pouring another quickly so it looks like I’ve just had one.
- My tolerance for alcohol has risen substantially and I am worried about the effect this must be having on my health, my liver must be unhealthy and I don’t want an aneurism.
- I am in a really bad mood when I try to moderate my drinking. Every evening I try and go without I am painful to live with.
- I know that if I can get through about two weeks then the actual physical addiction will leave me. I can then get on with the mental process which is usually much easier.
But above all, I want some balance in my life. I just turned down the job of my dreams because the timing is not right. But also because I have a big opportunity in front of me with my own business. But I have to focus on this if I want to be successful. And turning down the big job has made me realise that I DO want to be successful.
If I can focus on being successful and my ambition for my business, I am going to have to stop drinking so that I can give it 100%.
And lastI but by no means least, I want to be able to deal with my family without losing my patience, which I don’t do when I’m tired and full of self loathing, which I am most of the time.
Day 1 
Have you thought about Alcoholics Anonymous? Support is really important during the first few days and weeks, as is identification with others. I found it invaluable, and still do. Although I went very reluctantly at first, I now see it as an act of kindness to myself. Best of luck to you, don’t give up.
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welcome~ i so smiled when I read shot down some wine to fill up again so it looks like I only had one. I did that all the time. After many times of trying to moderate, switch drinks, diet etc~ I finally accepted I cannot drink~ I have been sober now just over 9 months and it is so much better! I look forward to your journey~ MB
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