People always say “take one day at a time” and “don’t try and do everything all at once”. But FUCK THAT!!! I am very much an “all or nothing” girl. Today I have decided that I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN. Also I am going to do the Marathon des Sables next year. That should keep me occupied. Moderating my drinking it just bloody exhausting. And pointless. When I am not drinking, I am thinking about drinking. On those two occasions where I successfully stopped drinking for a prolonged period (at least six months) I had decided to stop forever. And that kept me going. I stopped thinking about it which made it way easier than moderating, when I constantly think about it.
In the spirit of all or nothing, I can’t run more than 2k at the moment and feel terribly unfit. And the weight is creeping up again. Surely having such a ridiculous goal will keep me motivated to run on a regular basis and be a little healthier?
Anyway, here we go again…
OK so every day is Day One. I have not had a drink today and hope not to have one for the remaining few hours before I go to bed.
I was so unbearably horrible last weekend to my husband that I broke down in tears the following day and didn’t drink for three days. Broke last night as I was SO TENSE after three days without wine.
Last week the I confessed all to the doctor told me a) I should not be driving if I’m drinking a bottle of wine a day and b) not to stop drinking completely in case I have a seizure! But having one glass just makes it worse. I am better off not having anything. He gave me a number to call for some counselling and group work. I will try this, or will go back to AA again. it really is hard white knuckling this.
Every morning I wake up determined not to drink and every night I go to bed drunk.
The temptation to count how many times I have stopped drinking, only to fail within days (or often hours) is overwhelming. This time I am going to try and focus not on what I am giving up but what I am gaining. There has to be an upside to all this self hatred and feeling of uselessness.
So here goes:
I will be a better mum – no doubt about it, I’m not a great role model at the moment – their image of me must be in the kitchen with a glass of wine in hand. This is the same image I have of my father – suit on, whiskey in hand. Always.
I will be a better wife. Last night my lovely husband made his own supper because I couldn’t be bothered. He thought I’d already eaten with the boys, but I hadn’t – I wanted the wine to go to my head quicker. I was slurring my words by 9pm. Argumentative and aggressive. I could feel his disappointment when we went to bed.
I will feel better. I will not have any more migraines that wipe me out for two days. And I will have more energy.
I will do a better job of running my business. My mind wont be thinking about alcohol from about 4pm.
Talking of which, I must make a start.
I really hope I make it through the day.
I didn’t drink last night – and didn’t even have a hangover to make it easy! Unfortunately still did not sleep so well, but I’m hoping that will come with time. Have more energy today though so am definitely feeling the benefit of not drinking last night. Lots to do this week…
New year resolutions are such a waste of time. But I have been thinking for quite some time that perhaps my life would be better if I stopped drinking. I thought I’d get Christmas and New Year out the way, then concentrate on how I want to live my life.
I noticed that my husband has stopped giving me a hard time about my drinking and just lets me get on with it. He knows what my mood will do if he says anything.
I wanted to write a blog for me, not anyone else. Just to have somewhere I can set down my thoughts and hope that as I have such a terrible memory, I can record my thinking and reasons for wanting to stop. I can then refer to this every time I want to pick up a drink again. Hopefully.
I’m not sure that concentrating on drinking alone is a smart thing to do, even though I know that right now it occupies way too much of my thinking time.
So my thoughts for the new year are not just around stopping drinking, for all the obvious reasons – but lets spell them out anyway
- I am not sleeping well, I am tired all the time and have absolutely no energy. I need a nap most afternoons.
- I look terrible – my eyes are bloodshot and dull. My skin is dry and makeup just slides around on it making me look even worse. And I’m overweight.
- I think about drinking ALL the time. There needs to be greater balance in my life – with more time to do other things.
- I can not get through the day without drinking and hide what I drink, even if it is in a small way: pouring a glass of wine, then swigging it down quickly then pouring another quickly so it looks like I’ve just had one.
- My tolerance for alcohol has risen substantially and I am worried about the effect this must be having on my health, my liver must be unhealthy and I don’t want an aneurism.
- I am in a really bad mood when I try to moderate my drinking. Every evening I try and go without I am painful to live with.
- I know that if I can get through about two weeks then the actual physical addiction will leave me. I can then get on with the mental process which is usually much easier.
But above all, I want some balance in my life. I just turned down the job of my dreams because the timing is not right. But also because I have a big opportunity in front of me with my own business. But I have to focus on this if I want to be successful. And turning down the big job has made me realise that I DO want to be successful.
If I can focus on being successful and my ambition for my business, I am going to have to stop drinking so that I can give it 100%.
And lastI but by no means least, I want to be able to deal with my family without losing my patience, which I don’t do when I’m tired and full of self loathing, which I am most of the time.